We put our Christmas tree up yesterday. It was a great day for the boys. They went with us to pick it out, helped put ornaments on it, and helped make popcorn strings to decorate it. We unplugged it after they went to bed.
John got up first this morning and ran into the living room to see the tree. He then promptly ran back to our room where he first demanded breakfast (priorities people), then told us with great concern, “The Cwismas tree is dead.”
We have a huge spider web outside on our deck. The spider only comes out at night and the early morning.
Me, at 7:00am: That is a big honkin’ spider out there.
Michael: It’s not that big.
Me: It’s bigger than the average spider.
Michael: You know where they have bigger spiders?
Me, rolling eyes: Texas.
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John, age 3, mashing his nose into his face: There are fuckers on my nose.
Me, startled: What?
John: There are fuckers on my nose!
Me, with relief: Oh, freckles on your nose. Yes, there are.
17-Month-Old James: [babbling to indicate the he wants me to “read” his farm picture book]
Me: James, this is the time that boys need to play with themselves. I mean, er… nevermind. Thank goodness you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Michael (singing): “Bob the Builder! CAN WE FIX IT? Bob the Builder! YES WE CAN!”
Michael: “So that’s where Obama got his campaign slogan.”
Me: Have you heard of that pastor out in Seattle that does the Song of Solomon series? Someone told me that he tells Christian women that they should perform oral sex on their non-Christian husbands to encourage them to convert.
Girl Friend: It’s a good thing Bill is already a Christian or he’d be damned to hell.
Michael: Are you going to go back to your first love?
Me: The Duggars?
Michael: You’ve been cheating on them with Jon & Kate.
Me: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I will now return to reality TV monogamy.